Movies I Slept Through – Bulletproof Monk

If someone asks you what you did last night and your answer is, “I watched Bulletproof Monk,” your conversation isn’t going to last much longer.

Kar(Sean William Scott) is a pickpocket who meets an unnamed monk while running from the police? The monk, who has been entrusted to guard an incredibly powerful scroll, is also fleeing people working for a former NAZI commander? The two separate, but not before Kar swipes the scroll? The monk follows Kar when he is captured by Mister Funkstatic(There’s a tattoo of his name on his chest if you don’t believe me)’s gang for “boosting” on his “turf”?(This movie was released in 2003, not 1987) The monk sees some promise in Kar and decides to take him under his wing and see if he may fill the prophecy to become the next protector of the scroll?

I honestly don’t think Bulletproof monk gets enough credit for being a terrible movie. It has terrible wire work, NAZIs, ancient scrolls, a protagonist who learned to fight by watching martial arts movies and a machine that I’m not actually sure, but I think it has the ability to steal the thoughts out of someone’s mind. If only there were lasers… if only…

There’s really nothing good about Bulletproof Monk. It’s lazy. From the blatant wire work to the horribly dialogue(I one point the main character explains why he chose the Cantonese word for family as his name: “I figured I never had one so now I’ll never be without.”) Not one of the fight scenes is compelling and every attempt to make you care about anything is lazy at best.

It would be acceptable to watch Bulletproof Monk after meeting the following criteria:

  • You’re with friends
  • It’s after midnight
  • You’re slightly to fully inebriated
  • You can’t find your copy of American Ninja

Bulletproof Monk gets a solid Sleep Throughout because I did enjoy the ridiculousness of the whole piece.

Movies I Slept Through – The Longest Yard(1974)

“The Longest Yard” relies on all the tropes of 1970s comedies like domestic violence and burning people alive.

Paul “Wrecking” Crewe(Burt Reynolds) is a former NFL MVP winning quarterback who has been out of the league for 8 years. He suddenly decides to leave the woman who’s been supporting him after she questions why he watches football all the time. When she attempts to stop him from taking her car, he fiercely grabs her by the face and pushes her to the ground before taking the police on a wild car chase. The 1970’s were hilarious, weren’t they?

Once in prison, Crewe is approached by the warden to observe the semi-pro football team that’s made up of the prison’s guards. When Crewe suggests they should play a warm up game, (making him one of the few people in football to suggest that preseason is important) the warden tasks Crewe with putting together a team of prisoners to face the guards.

One problem with “The Longest Yard” is I couldn’t sympathize with any of the characters. They’re prisoners and there’s not one attempt to make any of them seem like anything else. The guards are the bad guys because they come off as bullies when they’re trying to control the prisoners, there’s one scene where they’re jerks to a character and one of them demeans one of the black characters. Other than that, they’re mainly just guards. The prisoners actively train with the intent of hurting the guards. One of the prisoners burns a man alive. It’s a pretty startling scene in what’s supposedly a comedy.

The biggest flaw is in their use of Burt Reynold’s mustache. I can forgive a movie for having a stacheless Reynold’s(Deliverance), but “The Longest Yard” gives us the mustache in the beginning, but then takes it away once he gets to prison. How could you do this? It’s like telling your friend you’re going to give him Five Guys for dinner, but then bringing home Burger King and slapping him in the face. Never mess with a man’s burger and never mess with Burt Reynold’s mustache.

“The Longest Yard”  just doesn’t stand the test of time and there’s not much reason to watch it, unless you’re a fan of people burning alive, but then I’d suggest “Mississippi Burning.” “The Longest Yard” gets a Sleep Throughout.

Movies I Slept Through – Teeth

“Teeth” is like having an interesting meal that challenges your palate and then being served a heaping bowl of severed dicks for dessert.

Dawn(Jess Weixler) is nearly the ideal daughter. She doesn’t get into much trouble, isn’t going through a rebellious teen stage, and even lectures for the local abstinence program, but she’s not without her issues. Dawn, like a lot of teens, has some weird things going on with her body. Mainly the teeth growing inside her vagina. (It’s totes normal.)

It’s really best for her that her vagina is now a veritable sarlacc waiting in the pit of Carkoon that is her vagina because nearly every male in her life is interested in having non-consensual or dishonest sexual relations with her.

Once you’re familiar with the plot, your mind begins to fill in the details, and “Teeth” really does fulfill every image you can conjure. The acting is on par with most other bad horror movie and the overall story is pretty absurd. The major problem with “Teeth” is that it has so much promise in the beginning. The idea of women evolving a mechanism to protect themselves from unwanted sexual encounters is very interesting, but once the bad things you pictured in your head when you read ” teeth growing inside her vagina,” begin to happen, everything falls part.

The symbolism is as subtle as a vagina biting a dick off; some scenes deteriorate to Dawn screaming, ” Vagina dentata,” over and over; and most of the characters are one-dimensional(that dimension turns out to be rapist).  “Teeth” is really frustrating because the beginning was so promising, but in the end it gets a Sleep Throughout for unfortunately being exactly what you thought it would be.

[Note: This review was based on a reader suggestion. If you have a movie you’d like me to review, please send me an e-mail or leave a comment.]

Movies I Slept Through – Knucklehead

Dennis Farina’s character sums up “Knucklehead” best when he says, “I’m making all this crap up as I go along.” Well played Dennis Farina’s character, well played.

“Knucklehead” stars WWE Superstar The Big Show as gentle giant Walter Krunk. He’s a big screw up (See what I did there? BIG) who’s lived in an orphanage his entire life.  A couple fart jokes into the movie, Walter accidentally burns down the kitchen.

[Editor’s note: When I say “fart joke” in this review, the word joke is used in the loosest sense of the word.]

Just when it’s needed the most, a fighter trainer named Eddie Sullivan(Mark Feuerstein) wanders into the church of the school? There are nuns at the school so I guess this is also just a general, open to the public church as well. Anyway, he’s looking to pay back a debt he owes to Memphis Earl(Dennis Farina) and needs a new fighter. You see, there’s a pro-am mixed martial arts(Do those really exist?) tournament coming up and the prize is enough money to pay for the orphanage’s kitchen.

Eddie convinces Walter to hit the road with him. They’re headed to New Orleans and they’re stopping along the way to get Walter in some fights to help him get in shape. Also, Memphis Earl is trying to stop them from making it. You would think Memphis would want Walter to win the tournament so Eddie could pay back the money  he owes, but maybe that’s just me.

This movie is bad in nearly every conceivable way. Here’s a quick list of things that were terrible about it:(Spoiler Alert?)

  • The bus they’re driving runs off the road and smashes into a telephone pole in the middle of a corn field. The pole isn’t attached to anything else. Oh, and the bus explodes.
  • There’s a fight in a synagogue where a bunch of Jewish guys stand around the ring holding giant Stars of David.
  • Eddie doesn’t own a cell phone. He calls his father using one of the 17 pay phones left in the United States.
  • Eddie is bitten on the ass by a bear. This has zero lasting effect on his body.
  • Walter gets stuck in the toilet of a bus.

The only saving grace of “Knucklehead” is that it gave me the idea to have a reality show where orphans compete to earn parents. (I’m now taking suggestions for titles)

“Knucklehead” receives a Sleep Throughout. I can’t go full coma because you’ll never been in a position where you may accidentally see this movie on cable and think, “Oh, I guess I’ll check this out.” If you’re watching “Knucklehead,” it’s your fault.

Movies I Slept Through – Sucker Punch

“Sucker Punch” is about people that aren’t real and things that didn’t happen, but more so than most other movies.

“Sucker Punch” is  about a young girl we only know as Baby Doll(Emily Browning), who’s put into a mental institution after her stepfather does some pretty nasty things to the rest of her family. (Not that, perv… ok, yeah… kinda that)

Her stepfather has arranged for her to be Randle McMurphyed in five days time. So she quickly befriends some of the other hot female patients and hatches a plan to escape. Now, that sounds like a pretty decent movie, eh?  Kind of “Girl, Interrupted”-y but still watchable.

Problem is, that’s not what we get to see. Most of the movie actually takes place inside Baby Doll’s fantasy world where the girls at the institution are dames in an old timey cathouse. They’re forced to dance and do various other things for their gentlemen callers and they’re all named such egregious  things like “Rocket,” “Sweet Pea,” and “Amber.” They still have plan to escape, but now have to gather certain items in order to succeed before the High Roller(John Hamm) arrives.

Baby Doll is special though and every time she dances the men can do nothing but watch her, completely enthralled. When Baby Doll is dancing, however, things change once again into the badass chicks fighting giant robots and dragons we saw in the trailers.

I can’t honestly tell you if the acting was good or not because I spent most of the time trying to figure out why I couldn’t just see what was actually happening at the institution.

Zack Snyder continues to use music from the land of the weird cover songs to great effect. His visuals are awesome as well and the action scenes are as completely over the top as promised. It may have been the really awesome leather seats I was sitting in at the theatre, but I actually found myself dozing off more during these meaningless action scenes than I did during the slower parts even though I really wanted to enjoy them.

The main problem with “Sucker Punch” is I just felt like I was being lied to the whole time. It was like when someone does card tricks in a bar to impress people, sure, you can do fancy tricks, but can you have an actual conversation with another human being? I would happily watch a movie about hot girls trying to escape from a mental instiution or a movie about hot girls trying to escape from a cat house or, hell, I’d even watch a movie about an all hot girl A-Team, but pick one and tell me that story.

“Sucker Punch” gets a Sleep Throughout because it was just so damned frustrating.

Movies I Slept Through – The Chaperone

“The Chaperone” is WWE Studios’ latest attempt to make it’s already perceived as dumb audience even dumber. (For the record, I count myself among them)

“The Chaperone” stars Paul “Triple H” Levesque as Ray Bradstone, a reformed wheel man for a group of bank robbers who gets out of prison and just wants to make things right with his daughter. He’s turned a new leaf and the last thing he wants is to run into his old bank robbing buddy(Kevin “Oh, THAT guy” Corrigan).

Ray quickly finds himself in a bad situation. His wife has moved on, and his now teenage daughter wants nothing to do with him. So he does what any completely reformed criminal would do, he agrees to be the wheel man for one last job. Oh, I forgot to mention, the reason he went to prison is these guys left him sitting in the car at a robbery while they went out the back.

While waiting for the guys to do their bank job, Ray sees his daughter’s bus loading up to go on a field trip. He ditches the robbers and hops on the school bus to be a chaperone. Then the guys come out of the bank, but the cops are coming so they run and the bag full of money ends up in the bus’s luggage. From this point on it’s a cops chasing Ray and the bank robbers and the bank robbers chasing Ray and the Ray trying to mend things with his daughter and his daughter trying to get this boy to notice her. (I know that’s a poorly constructed paragraph, but it’s a poorly constructed movie so blame the WWE.)

“The Chaperone” is like “Mr. Nanny” meets “Con Air” meets “The Town” meets “Bushwacked” meets “Point Break” meets “The Gameplan” meets “Roadhouse.” In other words, it doesn’t know what the crap it’s supposed to be.

I did learn one thing from this movie and that is the word chaperone only has one “r” in it… so that’s something. Since it is a middle of the road family movie that won’t offend anyone and has just a tiny(and I mean tiny) smidgeon of something for everyone, I can’t quite give “The Chaperone” a coma. Put this on with your family and just Sleep Throughout, but only if you have to.

Movies I Slept Through – Skyline

“Skyline” is about  a group of aliens risking their lives to take out a group of people that completely deserve it.

“Skyline” stars Eric Balfour(Jarrod) and Donald Faison(Terry) as two ummm something designers? Whatever you call people that make CGI stuff. Effects designers? That’s what they are. It doesn’t really matter though because there isn’t much time spent on getting to know them.

The two friends get together after not seeing each other for a long time, they have a party, and the next day aliens show up to destroy everything. “Skyline” is pretty awful, but in the best ways possible. There’s a slow motion yelling of “Nooooo!” followed by slow motion running. There’s a character realizing they’ve been had and the camera getting right in their face as their eyes widen and they’re pulled into the alien’s mouth.

My favorite awful part is when they’re using a telescope to watch a jet fighter go up against one of the alien ships. Jarrod has his telescope hooked up to his tv enabling you to see what’s seen through the scope. So at this point you’re literally watching someone watch someone fight an alien. On a side note, there should be some ordinance passed where if you live in a metropolitan area and you buy a telescope. you should have to go door to door like a pedophile and tell your neighbors you will indeed be watching them have sex at some point.

The characters often wonder aloud things like, “Where should we go now?” and, “What do you want me to say?” I don’t know Mr. Writer, why don’t you figure those things about before you shoot the movie? If I told you a movie about an alien invasion had a montage you would probably assume it involves aliens in some way, but in “Skyline” it’s of people sitting and waiting. It’s boring if you don’t see the humor in how bad it is. Oh, it all takes place in someone’s apartment building too.

“Skyline” fits into the movies for people that love bad movies category. The aliens and CGI in general look amazing. For the general public, “Skyline” gets a Sleep Throughout, but if I’m honest, I’m probably going to buy.

Movies I Slept Through – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” or “The One Where Harry’s a Dick”

“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” is the 5th installment of the series and centers around the ministry of magic’s denial of the return of You-Know-Who(Voldemort… that’s in case you didn’t know).

In fact, they’re in such denial that measures are being taken against those who claim Voldemort has returned.(Just like a real life government) Aside from that there’s a lot of other crap going on: Harry, Ron and Hermione are under pressure to do well on their Ordinary Wizarding Levels; they meet a new weird friend that says strange things; they’re all dealing with growing older and getting sensations in their areas; and their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is a raging cu–(Sorry, there are kids in the room).

“Order of the Phoenix” is the longest book in the series coming in just shy of 900 pages so it’s understandable to leave some things out in order to tell the story in the given time frame. I understand that books and movies are two different mediums of storytelling, but  in this case so little time is spent on everything that nothing makes sense. I finished reading “Order of the Phoenix” about 36 hours before I watched it and I still had trouble keeping up. If every 2 hours of LOST came with 900 pages of supplemental reading I feel like I’d understand it.

Outside of that things are fine I guess, but it doesn’t really matter. The acting is par for the course and the scenes all look pretty cool, but you’d better be into pretty shiny things because that’s all you can really get out of it.

“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” reminds me of the time I only read part of the cliffs for “The Scarlet Letter.” I got a D on that test and “Order of the Phoenix” gets a Sleep Throughout.