Movies I Slept Through – Bulletproof Monk

If someone asks you what you did last night and your answer is, “I watched Bulletproof Monk,” your conversation isn’t going to last much longer.

Kar(Sean William Scott) is a pickpocket who meets an unnamed monk while running from the police? The monk, who has been entrusted to guard an incredibly powerful scroll, is also fleeing people working for a former NAZI commander? The two separate, but not before Kar swipes the scroll? The monk follows Kar when he is captured by Mister Funkstatic(There’s a tattoo of his name on his chest if you don’t believe me)’s gang for “boosting” on his “turf”?(This movie was released in 2003, not 1987) The monk sees some promise in Kar and decides to take him under his wing and see if he may fill the prophecy to become the next protector of the scroll?

I honestly don’t think Bulletproof monk gets enough credit for being a terrible movie. It has terrible wire work, NAZIs, ancient scrolls, a protagonist who learned to fight by watching martial arts movies and a machine that I’m not actually sure, but I think it has the ability to steal the thoughts out of someone’s mind. If only there were lasers… if only…

There’s really nothing good about Bulletproof Monk. It’s lazy. From the blatant wire work to the horribly dialogue(I one point the main character explains why he chose the Cantonese word for family as his name: “I figured I never had one so now I’ll never be without.”) Not one of the fight scenes is compelling and every attempt to make you care about anything is lazy at best.

It would be acceptable to watch Bulletproof Monk after meeting the following criteria:

  • You’re with friends
  • It’s after midnight
  • You’re slightly to fully inebriated
  • You can’t find your copy of American Ninja

Bulletproof Monk gets a solid Sleep Throughout because I did enjoy the ridiculousness of the whole piece.

Break It Down – Goon Trailer

I have a feeling Kevin Smith is a little pissed about this movie since he’s planning a hockey movie of his own. If it’s a bomb it’ll be like Gili/Jersey Girl all over again.

0:04 – Not even to anything yet and I feel like it’s not going to be as good as Slap Shot. *sigh*

0:17 – Aw, Sean William Scott is so lonely.

0:19 – Glad to see that guy. I never learned his name, but he was acceptable as the Stephen in Undeclared. And, yes, I am too lazy to check IMDB. Some of us have jobs to do people.

0:30 – “I’m a fighter, not a lover.”

0:51 – Man, 69, so great. What a funny number. You see, it’s funny because there’s a sexual position in which… oh, you already know? Oh, you’ve known for like 17 years? I guess we should make that joke anymore, huh? I guess it’d be ok to make that joke, but if I were to make a movie I definitely wouldn’t put it in the trailer. Is this supposed to be a selling point? Hey, you remember that joke you were kinda too young to get in Billy Madison, but then found it funny as you got older? Here it is again except you didn’t grow up with it and so it’s not funny now. Hey, look, a movie trailer!

1:05 – Oh, I see, he said, “No glory holes here tonight.” You see, a glory hole is a sexual… wait, didn’t we just do this?

1:28 – Not gonna lie… I know it’s all fighting and sex jokes so far, but I’m already kinda bored.

1:33 – Oh, more sex and violence.

1:38 – Really Liev Schreiber?

1:47 – This movie had better climax with a time where it gets down to these two or I’m gonna be angry.

2:15 – I’m legitimately surprised they didn’t make a black guy playing hockey joke there… I definitely would have…

I’m a sucker for sports movies. Really, I’m a sucker for all movies, but I remember a B.S. Report last year where Bill Simmons pitched a movie idea similar to this, but directed by Jason Reitman. Man, I wish I lived in that world.