Movies I Slept Through – Thor

“Thor” is what would happen if a grown up Richie Rich had purchased a really sweet Halloween costume.

God of Adventures in Babysitting

Most everyone I know assumes I read comics. Simply put, I don’t. I can hold my own in a conversation about comics because I know a lot of people that do read comics and if you mention one thing they will talk for the next 45 minutes without realizing you don’t actually care. That being said, when I was younger, I would pick up a few comics from time to time and when I did, I chose  Thor.

So, having some history with the source material, I was wary of the ability to translate it into film. Thor differs from most other Marvel characters because, well, he’s an actual deity from Norse mythology and brings all of that baggage with him. Marvel tends to put things in the real world with characters growing up in actual cities and Thor is kind of the exact opposite. On to the movie!

“Thor” begins with a brief encounter on Earth and then quickly thrusts us into the realm of Asgard, where the Norse gods dwell. Long ago, frost giants had come to Earth to wreak havoc upon the pitiful humans.  Asgardians appeared, led by Odin(Anthony Hopkins) and essentially kicked their asses, stole their power and sent them back to World 6 of Super Mario Bros. 3.

In present day Asgard(I guess), Odin has two sons: Thor(Chris Hemsworth) and Loki(Tom Hiddleston). Thor grows up to be the clear heir to Odin’s throne. He’s big and strong and a bit of a prick. Loki is jealous of the attention Thor receives. He’s smaller, but tricky and a bit of a prick.

Thor isn’t happy with some of the decisions Odin makes so he decides to travel to Super Mario Bros. 3 World 6 and finish off the Frost Giants once and for all.

Pro Tip: Use the Magic Flute to take the Rainbow Bridge and get the Hammer of Thor Suit.

Thor and his buddies fight the Frost Giants for a while, but eventually have to be saved by Odin riding the mighty Sleipnir, an eight legged horse.(The horse’s name isn’t mentioned and it isn’t important to the story, but I wanted you to know how smart I am.) Odin is pretty pissed because Thor kind of violated a truce that had been around for quite a while and banishes him to Earth There(Or… here?) Thor meets some affable scientists(Natalie Portman, Erik Selvig and Kat Dennings) in the whitest small town in New Mexico and learns what it means to be mortal. Meanwhile in Asgard, Loki uses his trickery to become the ruler.

Reading the plot or even explaining it, things seem complicated, but I have to give the film credit because at no time did I feel confused. Other than that, there aren’t any bright shining stars in “Thor”, but there aren’t any glaring holes either. The movie shifts tone a bit when it jumps from Asgard to Earth, focusing more on the fish out of water stuff on Earth. The humor is hit and miss, but overall is passable. The Frost Giants also seem to change sizes depending on how intimidating they need to look, but it’s off putting and doesn’t make a lot of sense.

My main problem with “Thor” is Loki is right. He essentially grew up feeling like Thor was the favored son, and that’s because he was. Odin told them both that one would grow up to be the ruler, but never had any intention of choosing Loki. Loki’s the type of leader that people will look back on in a few years and say, “You know, Loki did a lot of bad stuff, but he did get rid of the Jews- I mean Frost Giants.”

“Thor” is a pretty fun movie, but you won’t miss much if you Doze Off during some of the slower parts. If you’re looking forward to the upcoming “Avengers” movie, keep a hawkeye out for a cameo and don’t forget about the bonus scene at the end of the credits.

Movies I Slept Through – Black Swan

“Black Swan” is about Nina, a ballerina that goes black and doesn’t go back.

Natalie “I Wanna F*ck You Too” Portman plays Nina Sayers, an up and coming ballerina who is a bit of a perfectionist. She can dance technically great, but when it comes to letting go and dancing through instinct she has a few issues.(Isn’t that because she’s white?)

After the No MILFs Allowed Ballet Company kicks out their aging star(Winona Ryder), the lead role in Swan Lake is up for grabs. Thomas(Vincent Cassel), the head of the company, knows Nina is perfect for the role of the white swan, but will have trouble with the black. He tries every thing known to man to get a woman to loosen up: verbal abuse, sexual assault, having sex with one of her friends. Eventually, she does start to let go and gives into her darker impulses.

Darren Aronofsky directed this movie with the grace and precision expected of the subjects. (Someone has to have said that by now, right? I’m leaving it anyway.) He gets nice performances from all of the actors and much like “The Wrestler,” you don’t have to be a big fan of the subject matter to enjoy “Black Swan.” It may even cause you to find a new appreciation for the ballet or lesbians for that matter.

I stayed awake through this entire movie because I didn’t want to miss the sexual scenes between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. It wasn’t as great as I had imagined in my head, but I couldn’t have expected that from a rated R movie. I give “Black Swan” a Coffee.

Also, someone remind me to start a ballerina company in the future. It’s like a farm for young girls that want to do anything to please you.